The "R-Word"

It continues to amaze me how having a child diagnosed as being on the spectrum can change your point of view on just about everything.

When I was young, the word "retarded" was part of mine and my friends natural language. We didn't mean any harm; We were young and naive. Even as an adult I don't know that I truly understood just how offensive the word was. Of course I knew that describing someone with any form of mental challenge that way was offensive, but using it otherwise, not so much.

A b-rated movie director, Uwe Boll, recently posted a video ranting about the fact that no one was contributing to his Kickstarter campaign. In it, he used the word "retarded"a few times. Being that he was already depicting himself as a complete ass-hat, I didn't really react to it. He wasn't worthy of the small effort it takes for me to be offended, so I moved on.

Today I found that one of the media outlets I follow on YouTube had posted a video on the story. It depicted two of its female stars running around the office to collect money for a movie called "Retarded Wizards in the Forest" (the title Boll used in his video). As they did this and were turned down, they'd use the R-word to indicate their displeasure. I was, officially, offended.

I've tried in the hours since to remember that it's essentially a comedy routine. The company's channels have posted videos in the past discussing the offensive nature of the N-word so, I suppose it surprised me. 

No, it bugged me.

Just constant picking at my brain bugged me.

I'm not typically one of those people that feels the need to be politically correct. In fact it drives me nuts how hard society tries to be just that. But in this case, I was in fact, offended. 

I suppose this post is essentially to say that you need to consider your audience. I don't care what you say among your family and friends. Everyone is entitled to say and think what they want. But, when you are producing material for the masses, it makes sense to think about what you're putting out there before you click that upload button.

He's the Same Kid

Let's start with that which is top of mind for me right now; This is not a "passive aggressive" attempt at making my friends feel guilty. I am not writing this post in the hopes that I receive a sudden flurry of messages. There is no hidden agenda; No ulterior motive or undisclosed plan. The sole purpose of this post is to shine a light on one of the most common challenges the parent of an autistic child faces: isolation.

Good. Now that we've got that out of the way...

One of my biggest fears after Aaron's diagnosis was that people would treat him differently. I put a lot of thought into whether or not I should "announce" the outcome of his hospitalization in September as being the diagnosis of autism. I guess when I decided to share it with my circle of "friends" I expected nothing would change. Why should it? He's the same kid, he just has a different diagnosis to explain the "odd" behaviors he sometimes displays. It's not like the behaviors started overnight or he suddenly became "different." He was always different. So why would anything change?

Honestly it took a while for me to notice. I understood that my friends have other friends with whom they are much closer. I've always been a bit of a social misfit myself so it's nothing new to me. I also knew, obviously, that Aaron's friends have other friends. It'd be awfully unrealistic for me to think differently. But, as Connie Hammer shared on momeomagazine.com, "Immediately after receiving the diagnosis, parents are caught up in an emotional whirlwind of disappointment, denial, anger and grief as well as trying to identify how best to approach their child’s treatment. Many don’t notice at first, but looking back they find evidence of a gradual distancing and suddenly realize it’s cold and lonely!"

A few weeks ago it suddenly hit me. Nearly every play date, every opportunity Aaron had to hang out with his friends, was my doing. I was either inviting his friends to come play or, quite honestly, requesting an invitation for Aaron to come to them. Despite my position that nothing had changed, we were no longer on the receiving end of the invitations.

At first, I let myself get angry. I believed it was personal; After all, it wasn't just Aaron who was being isolated, it was me! Those pictures you posted of Johnny having an awesome time with his friends... that was supposed to be Johnny and Aaron! Those plans you made with Billy's mom to take a trip with the boys? Just a few months ago that trip was going to be with Aaron, not Billy! Those shots you posted of Bobby at Chris's birthday party? Why wasn't Aaron invited? He and Chris used to be friends!

Soon, situations like Brooke Price explains on EmaxHealth.com became a reality: "As the days go by [...] you notice/noticed how much it gets under your skin when a friend talks about how smart their child is, how easily things come to them." I found myself thinking bitter, horrible things whenever a friend would post up about their child's latest accomplishment. Report card days were some of the toughest, followed closely by things like the Cub Scout Blue & Gold or Graduation ceremonies.

Over the last week or so, Aaron has begun begging me to reach out to the parents of his "old" friends and I find myself making excuses for them; Or maybe better put, I've begun making up excuses for them. Sadly, I don't even get as far as picking up the phone to try.

I suppose I've come to realize that, while I'm sure it's not personal, it may be purposeful. Maybe these moms are worried that "something" will happen given what I've shared about some of Aaron's behaviors in the past. Or, maybe their kids don't feel comfortable and want to play with someone who isn't as different. It's only natural right? I mean, the biggest reason I haven't kept in touch with most of my friends over the years is because we grew apart. In Aaron's case, his "old" friends are maturing and growing in ways he's not. When they get together to play, he isn't at their level and they lose interest. Kids social circles are going to naturally be made up of those friends with whom they have the most in common. It's not their "fault" they no longer want to play with Aaron, it's just not fun for them anymore.

I've read a lot of articles on this subject today and they've helped me to realize that what we're going through is normal. Friends grow apart as their lives change and move in different directions. Instead of feeling abandoned by his "old" friends, I need to accept that as they've grown, so to have their interests. Meanwhile, Aaron is still, very much, the same kid.