35 Things Not to Say?

35 Things Not to Say to the Mother of a Child With Autism: My Thoughts

I was inspired to blog today after reading this post shared by one of the many Autism related pages I follow on Facebook. After reading through the list they shared I realized that I wasn't sure I agreed. Here are my thoughts on each of the dreaded 35. Share yours with me in the comments!

Original Post: 35 Things Not to Say to the Mother of a Child With Autism

1. There's a book out about how to cure your kid.
   If someone said this to me I'd reply with "Really? Show me!" There are many books out there on how to treat, handle or even "heal" autism but there is no cure. Yes, using these texts you can learn to reduce the "symptoms" of autism in your child but there is no cure all solution.
2. Oh, my kid does that.
   I feel like someone saying this is actually trying to make you feel better. Awareness and education are so important so this is a door opening for you to teach someone a little about what separates a child on the spectrum from a "neurologically normal" child.
3. All kids do that.
   The concept of extremes and lack of "gray areas" is something a parent without a child on the spectrum doesn't often understand. Do all kids argue when it's time to stop playing and eat dinner? Sure. Do all kids have a meltdown as a result that lasts 30 minutes and results in physical damage to property/persons? Pretty sure no.
4. He'll/she'll outgrow it.
   This isn't necessarily an uneducated thing to say. In many cases, children on the spectrum see their "symptoms" improve with age. It's not necessarily that they "outgrow" them however as much as it is them learning to recognize the symptoms and accept themselves.
5. But he seems so normal!
   I've actually gotten this one personally and I wasn't offended at all. Autism is labeled as an "invisible disability" for that reason.
6. I'm so sorry.
   While I understand that we don't want people's sympathy, what's so wrong with an apology from someone? This is a human way to show that you wish you could help or that you wish there was something you could do. A person who says this isn't pitying you, they are sorry that you, as a parent, are having to accept and subsequently deal with your child's diagnosis. They aren't implying that you should be depressed about it, just that they wish you didn't have to go through it.
7. That's such a trendy thing to have right now.
   I don't believe anyone in the right mind would say this about a child diagnosed with autism. This one would offend me but again, educate!
8. Have you tried spanking him?
   There is a common misconception that autistic children simply need more discipline. This person again, simply needs to be educated. They aren't meaning to offend; In their experience, spanking worked!
9. Are you worried about his future?
   This is a fantastic question to be asked as a parent. Please do ask me this. Let me share with you what I worry about, what I don't and why. Be a good listener and thanks for asking!
10. I can't believe you had more kids.
    Doesn't apply to me personally but let me tell you, the older Aaron gets the more I wish we had thought about having another child. I see how he interacts with children younger than him and despite his struggles, he knows exactly how to act. He won't share well with kids his age or older but with younger children he is amazing. He shows compassion and empathy and really loves to make a little one smile. Under different circumstances, his diagnoses would probably have inspired me to get pregnant again!
11. Special children are such a blessing, aren't they?
    What is so wrong with this? Yes... they are a blessing... like all children are!
12. Is he ignoring me?
    Again, if someone is asking a question, why not answer it? It's the people that avoid a child on the spectrum or look and point without asking that are the problem. Ask away!
13. Oooh, I just LOOOOVE special needs children.
    Fantastic! Despite what many parents of children on the spectrum have lead themselves to believe, we do have "exceptional children" (the new politically correct terminology). There is nothing wrong with that and simply using a term that used to be considered acceptable isn't reason enough to judge this person. You can't have it both ways. You can't take advantage of all the resources out there for our children but be offended when someone calls them "special." If you have a child on the spectrum and you don't in some way advertise they are autistic (either via say a ribbon on your car or by attending Autism Society events etc. etc.) then fine. But if someone has said this to you it is only going to be because they somehow know that your child is on the spectrum and sharing that is also sharing that they are different. Different. Not Less. Remember?
14. God wouldn't give you more than you can handle.
    This one invokes a loaded response from me but either way, I don't see how it could be offensive. It seems to me someone who believes in God would reply to this statement with "amen!" It's similar to the "I'm sorry" statement earlier; This person isn't trying to say anything but "God has your back."
15. Are you sure he's autistic?
    This is another chance to educate. In fact if a parent asked me this question I'd probably read into it to think that somewhere in the back of their mind, they are wondering, based on whatever they've seen/heard of Aaron, if their child is on the spectrum. As a population of parents we need to remember that a large chunk of our society only knows autism as "Rain Man."
16. Do you think he'll ever learn to drive?
    There is a wonderful man named Joel that works at my local Walmart. I have no idea what it is but he has difficulty speaking, a strange gate and obvious signs of some form of mental and physical disability. He is working every day I am there, pushing huge lines of carts through the parking lot and guess what? He drives to and from work every day, by himself. This question doesn't offend me. It makes me want to know more about why they are asking because, yet again, it's probably another chance to educate!
17. You just need to give him more social opportunities. Join more groups.
    I must be missing something as to why this is a thing not to say to an autism mom. It's true. Every child on the spectrum can benefit from socialization and opportunities to do the very same things that any other child would/could do. I would be more offended if someone said the opposite!
18. When I was a kid, we just weren't allowed to act that way. It wasn't an option.
    When we were kids, children who acted like many children on the spectrum do were put into group homes and given electroshock therapy in an attempt to cure whatever psychosis they had. Are you really implying we should take that step backwards to how things used to be?
19. He'll grow out of it and be the next Bill Gates.
    I look forward to it! Thank you for having such wonderful faith in my son's abilities and believing in his future! Seriously? How is this offensive. I mean we've already covered the "grow out of it" thing earlier so this is really just about saying he'll be the next Bill Gates. It's funny actually because just two days ago I was sitting with a mom who was observing Aaron and she asked if he has ever said what he wanted to do when he grows up. She had no idea he was autistic I'm fairly sure, she just had this look about her like she was genuinely curious. She went on to say she has a "sixth sense" about this kind of thing (good for her) and she thinks Aaron will be a lawyer when he grows up. When I told her he was autistic her response was, get this... "So?" 
20. But he's so happy!
    Yep he is! Thanks for noticing! (how is this offensive??)
21. Get him in early intervention, and he'll be fine.
    Studies have shown that early intervention can make a world of difference. Everyone's definition of "fine" is different but this person is at least somewhat educated!
22. What's wrong with him?
    An opportunity to educate? Yes please! Yes I understand the verbiage here can make someone's skin crawl but how we respond in these situations makes all the difference. This person is trying to learn more so don't let the words they use offend you. It's not like when you are sick at home and someone asks "what's wrong?" you are offended.
23. But he's so smart...
    Thank you for noticing! Yes, we think so too. He, like many kids on the spectrum, does very well in school too!
24. I would never be able to do what you do for your kids.
    Seriously? How is THIS offensive? This is a compliment! Thank you for recognizing the effort it takes to me the parent of a child on the spectrum!
25. God chose the parents well.
    See #14.
26. What is her savant skill?
    Another chance to educate! Awesome! Again, the greater population of human beings on this planet think "Rain Man" when they hear autism.
27. My kids tantrum [or whatever] all the time, too!
    <broken record> EDUCATE! I have been in this situation before and, as they say, the devil is in the details. All kids have tantrums. Share with this person what makes it different (or potentially open their eyes to the possibility that their child is on the spectrum too)!
28. Sometimes I think have autism, too!
    Again how is this offensive? Help this person find their way to resources on how to know for sure!
29. If I only gave her more vitamins, I could cure her.
    I get it. I really do. I get how we need to focus on acceptance and awareness and not on thinking we can cure autism. I get why some people have boycotted entire agencies over the idea of a "cure." But be honest with yourself... if you are the parent of a child on the spectrum and one day were told there was this one thing you could do and it would "cure" your child's autism... wouldn't you do it?? Sure in this case simply adding vitamins isn't enough but there have been plenty of studies done that show that certain vitamins can help to reduce symptoms. While I see how this could be offensive, take a deep breath and realize this is yet another uneducated person and a new chance to educate them.
30. Ugh, my toddler just will not SHUT UP! I'm about to go nuts with the incessant talking! -- said to mother of non-verbal child.
    Aaron is verbal so it's unfair for me to judge this statement but I will say this... if I can vent to another parent about how I wish XYZ would change with my child, just because mine is autistic doesn't mean another parent can't vent to me about their frustrations with their own child. Again we've come back to not having it both ways.
31. Everyone has something.
    Acceptance? Recognition that everyone is different? Understanding that we are each unique in our own ways? Seriously this is offensive??
32. Aren't you afraid?
    Terrified. Thank you so much for asking!
33. I didn't have kids because my brother/uncle/cousin has autism, and so I didn't want to risk it.
    Well, as there are studies that show genetic links with autism, I'd say someone making a conscious decision to not put themselves into the potentially stressful position of raising a child on the spectrum, obviously knowing themselves well enough to know it'd be too much for them, is a great thing!
34. But he's so beautiful and he looks so normal.
    See #5 - I think some of these were reworded and duplicated to make a more impactful "35 things" than say "20."
35. In the 80's it was dyslexia, in the '90s ADHD, and now it seems autism is the popular diagnosis.
    Educate educate educate! This person just needs help to understand that as research and tools improve, so too can the frequency of a diagnosis. It makes sense that each decade begins to see increases in certain diagnoses. It means we are making progress!

Look, I can see how someone who is easily offended would have a problem with some of these, I really do; But I believe we are creating a world where we are afraid to ask questions or say things we believe to be comforting by making lists like these. 

In short: Please do say any and all of these things to me! Open the door for me to potentially educate you on autism and help you to understand! Just say what is on your mind... let me share with you why you shouldn't be afraid of my child! We are parents of autistic children for god sake! We already live so many days on egg shells... why make things worse for ourselves by reading into every little thing people say? Generally, people have good intentions. If we can't see and accept that, how in the world are we going to teach our children to?