That "Day After" Feeling

Meltdowns are a somewhat inevitable occurrence in our home. We find ourselves walking on egg shells quite often in an attempt to avoid them. Unfortunately, with Aaron, meltdowns are almost always violent and aggressive; punching, kicking, biting and scratching.

The first thing his doctors and therapists tell us we should do? Walk away. Ignore him. Sounds easy enough. But, he will follow us, fists raised, until ignoring him is no longer an option.

Then he gets a warning. Typically the warning is that he'll lose something like his laptop or iPad. That never works. In fact threatening him with consequences only tends to make the situation worse. Yelling or making big threats... well that's just asking for things to go badly. Inevitably though, regardless of knowing how we should act in these moments, one of us flies off the handle. Who wouldn't? I mean if someone was continually beating on you or attempting to destroy things in your home, could you remain calm 100% of the time?

The last step is putting Aaron into a hold. We've tried the holds we're "supposed" to use with very little success. What does seem to work fairly well however is lying him down, one of us hugging his legs to our chest and the other holding his arms in such a way that he can't scratch or  bring his face to us to bite. As we've been told is completely expected, Aaron will often begin screaming, saying we're hurting him (we're not) or that we're breaking his heart (ugh!). It's a horrible thing to go through, especially when it's a daily (or multiple times a day) occurrence, but it typically works. After being held like this for a few minutes he will eventually say he's done trying to hurt us, sit up, and hug whoever had his legs. And that's it... it's over... until the next day...

Oh that "day after" feeling. I liken it to a hangover. My whole body aches, my head hurts and I'm completely worn down, not just physically but emotionally too. I look at myself in the mirror and see scratches and/or bruises and remember. I consider the day ahead and find ways to be sure to avoid people I know for fear they'll think I'm being beaten at home. I silently laugh to myself when I realize I guess I am.

And then, Aaron wakes up. He greets me with his amazing smile and says "good morning mom." He walks to me sleepily and gives me a great big hug. And I remember how that meltdown was just one thing that happened the day before. I remember that he played and laughed and was great the rest of the day. I remember that he shows us so much love, and that I am lucky that he is able to. I remember that it could be so much worse. I remember. And all is right with the world again.